Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On Affection

Coach's family is not demonstrative with affection, and neither is he.

My family, on the other hand, tells each other that they love them when leaving the house and gives lot of hugs.  I've also got 2 sisters who tell me I look cute 90% of the time.

It used to bother me that Coach tells me I look beautiful once a year (that's our going rate) and doesn't grab me for a hug/kiss combo when he gets home from work.

(Isn't it amazing how much your family background impacts current relationships?)

I've tried to be much more open minded about how Coach shows me that he loves me instead of expecting him to do so as I'd prefer.  And this definitely works.

Like....Coach leaves me the "good" leftovers, since I can't come home for lunch and he can.  Or when he got up to go to a super early practice this morning and covered me up with an extra blanket right before he left.  Or when he cooks me whatever I want for dinner every year on my "quitting smoking" anniversary.

I've read the love languages book, and I am a words of affirmations person for sure.  I've tried and tried to get Coach to understand that I need to hear him say nice things, and it just isn't him.  That stuff is really hard for him to do, and I respect that now.  I'm starting to see how much more meaningful the things that he does for me are, since they are so him.  So instead of putting my energy into how much I wish he'd do the things I want him to do, I've put my energy into seeing the things he does do.  And he blows me away every time.

Does your partner show you affection in different ways?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

On Parenting Styles

Coach and I could not come from different parenting backgrounds.  That's the bad news.  The good news is we've finally realized this which cuts down on arguments.

Last night we're going back and forth over what amount we need to counter-offer on a house (we're buying a house!).  We had a plan in place of what we would offer at which point of the negotiating process, but Coach had talked to his Dad earlier that day and was leaning more in the direction of what his Dad thought he should do.  I was p*ssed that he was deviating from our plan, when he gets a text from his mom that says "Counter at $105,000.


I was so angry because my parents go about things in a totally different way.  My parents have seen the houses we're looking at in person, I've kept them up to date on the purchasing process, they know exactly what they're doing.  And both of my parents have let both Coach and I know that they trust our judgment, that we're looking at some really great homes that are in good shape, and that we're staying in a comfortable price range.  They trust us to do the right thing, and because of that they haven't told us what to do or how to do it.  I love that about them.  And when someone swoops in and says "do this," I'm offended, because to me that says "I don't trust you, you're wrong so let me tell  you the right thing to do."

Coach's parents are pretty much the exact opposite of my parents.  They show how much they care by involving themselves in every step of the process, from telling Coach where he should get pre-approved at to coming down to the town where we live to look at houses with us and go through every single property with a fine toothed comb.  This screams mistrust and overbearing-ness to me, but to Coach it's just them showing that they care about us and want us to get the best possible home.

We both get that we're coming from 2 entirely different styles of parenting now.  We didn't all through the wedding planning process, which made it way harder than it needed to be.  But understanding this does make it somewhat easier, though I know I am still frustrated with Coach's parents.  I'm sure he's frustrated with mine.  Hopefully this will get easier, but I'm not going to lie-if his mom does this when Coach and I have kids, it's going to be like this home buying stuff except 1000x worse.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it I think.

Do you and your spouse come from differing camps of parenting?  Has it caused conflict?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

On Cranky Husbands

Coach started a brand new coaching job 48 hours after the wedding.  He had years of coaching experience, but he never actually had his own program.  I was so focused on him just landing a coaching job that I never really thought past him getting the job.

He is putting an enormous amount of pressure on himself to do really, really well-understandably so.  So when his athletes don't perform as well as he thinks they should, he blames himself.  But I really think he's putting undue pressure on himself, because we're only 2 weeks into the season and he's already freaking out.

I'm being fair when I say that Coach doesn't handle stress very well.  He's a control freak, and when things don't go exactly his way, he doesn't tend to deal well.  And he isn't dealing well.

I am so tempted to call his athletes and be like "WTF guys, go FASTER, my husband sucks to live with right now! "  But that obviously won't work.

This isn't the first time I've dealt with a supremely cranky husband.  I'm finding that the more you leave Coach alone, the better it all turns out.  He needs time to process, and then he's right back to his sweet, funny self.  I just need to be patient, and not lose my temper with him in the mean time.  It's hard though, when the crankiness goes on...and on...and on.

I also hate seeing him doubt himself.  I have never doubted him for a second.

How does your spouse deal with stress?  How do YOU deal with your spouse dealing with stress?

Monday, September 20, 2010

On Putting My Husband's Job First

I put Coach's job before mine a long time ago.

When I first met Coach, he was working on his master's degree with the intention of being a college coach.  He had some doubts a year into our relationship, and I insisted that he pursue his dream job at all costs.  We had a really tough year, the year that we were engaged, where we lived 2 hours apart and hoped and hoped that a coaching job would materialize.  Said coaching job did indeed materialize (1 week before our wedding, don't worry, I almost lost my d*mn mind) in a small town where my career prospects were drastically minimized.  I was kind of in career limbo that year we were engaged, too - it was hard to apply for anything when I didn't know where we'd be.

So now Coach has his dream job.  It's amazing.  Seeing him so happy, and so content and fulfilled every day rules.

But wow does it make my job look even worse than it did before!

I feel...stuck, now.  Like now I need to figure out what the f*ck I'm going to do with my life.  Which is scary, because some of the stuff I'd like to do with my life, I have a really hard time seeing how it's going to mesh with Coach's job.  Like seminary.  It's an enormous amount of money, and I can't see from where I am right now how Coach and I could every make that work together.

I don't regret for one second putting Coach's job before mine.  He's older than me, and his profession is far more choosy than mine.  Plus, I'm 24.  I'm just now starting to get a dim idea of what I want to do with my life.  Coach has had a clear purpose of exactly what he wanted to do since the day I met him, and he knew exactly what he needed to do to get there.  I love him, and I wanted to do everything in my power to help him get there.

I am proud of putting his career first when I did.  But now he has his career situated.  And I need to figure out mine, because Coach will do whatever he can to help me get where I want to be.

Putting his career first did put me in this weird, 50's throwback deal.  It made me feel so old fashioned.

Have you done anything for your partner that made you look old-fashioned, looking from the outside in?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

On Why My Husband is a Control Freak

Our pastor pronounced 5 minutes into our "pre-marital counseling" (which was 1 one hour meeting all about us and our ceremony) that Coach was "focused" and that I was more of a free spirit.  By focused he meant blatant control freak.  And Coach really is, he is an absolute control freak.

I love him anyway.

Exhibit A:

I'm in the kitchen cutting chicken.  I can see Coach squirming 3 feet away, trying not to look at what I'm doing, but after just 15 seconds he just can't take it anymore.  He jumps in, apologetically takes the knife, and finishes cutting the chicken.

Exhibit B:

We're in the car on the way to see the in-laws, discussing houses, one that needs some work in particular.  I'm saying how we can do the work together and we can totally handle it, and he bursts out saying, "but there's so much work I'd have to do!"  I'm all, "YOU'D have to do?" And then it dawned on me.  He's such a control freak  that he wasn't going to let me touch that house.  I have construction experience-I worked on set crew for all of high school and I helped remodel the house I'm living in now, so I was totally offended.  Coach jumped in and said "but I'd let you pull up carpet, and I'd let you do the landscaping."

Oh thanks babe.

The landscaping.  Awesome.

To be fair, he's a perfectionist, and I'm just not (only when it comes to the stuff I sew, then I turn into a freak).  I'm the "free spirit" and he's "focused."

Though I prefer control freak when it comes to him.

Anyway, I try to not take any of this personally and just understand that that's just Coach, that's just the way he is and he isn't tearing down the way I do things.  Not going to lie, I 100% took it personally at first, but I'm working on it.  It occasionally p*sses me off, but then I just think about how hysterical it is.

Besides, I don't let him TOUCH the laundry.  That's my department.

Why I'm blogging Anonymously

I've been blogging publicly for a year and a half now.  I had a beautiful wedding in July, and absolutely LOVE being married.

But a big part of my life was missing from my public blog.  My mother-in-law, my grandmother and my husband were all loyal readers, which is wonderful.


While my mother-in-law might be (and she certainly is) one of the nicest people I have ever met, after 12 hours with that woman, I want to run away screaming.

My grandmother is a pillar of wisdom and strength, but the last thing that woman needs is to hear about her granddaughter's sex life.

And my husband?  My wonderful, handsome, loving, quirky, hilarious husband?  He hates being blogged about, period.

So lots was missing from my last blog.  This blog will give me space to say what I really think about my mother-in-law going house hunting with us (that was not a good afternoon), or how my husband leaving clean dishes in the drying rack can make me want to smack him.  Among other things!

All in all, my marriage is far from perfect.  I wouldn't have it any other way.