Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On Affection

Coach's family is not demonstrative with affection, and neither is he.

My family, on the other hand, tells each other that they love them when leaving the house and gives lot of hugs.  I've also got 2 sisters who tell me I look cute 90% of the time.

It used to bother me that Coach tells me I look beautiful once a year (that's our going rate) and doesn't grab me for a hug/kiss combo when he gets home from work.

(Isn't it amazing how much your family background impacts current relationships?)

I've tried to be much more open minded about how Coach shows me that he loves me instead of expecting him to do so as I'd prefer.  And this definitely works.

Like....Coach leaves me the "good" leftovers, since I can't come home for lunch and he can.  Or when he got up to go to a super early practice this morning and covered me up with an extra blanket right before he left.  Or when he cooks me whatever I want for dinner every year on my "quitting smoking" anniversary.

I've read the love languages book, and I am a words of affirmations person for sure.  I've tried and tried to get Coach to understand that I need to hear him say nice things, and it just isn't him.  That stuff is really hard for him to do, and I respect that now.  I'm starting to see how much more meaningful the things that he does for me are, since they are so him.  So instead of putting my energy into how much I wish he'd do the things I want him to do, I've put my energy into seeing the things he does do.  And he blows me away every time.

Does your partner show you affection in different ways?


  1. That is good that you have spotted how he shows his love/affection for you. As a woman I know how much you need to hear it though. For some reason hearing it makes all the difference. How about if he writes it down? Little love notes left in the leftovers or something? "I miss you"..."I love you"...things like that? Maybe writing it is easier than saying it for him.

  2. We're on the same page when it comes to the physical touch love language (we both show and feel love that way) but I'm definitely a words of affirmation girl too, and it's taken him awhile to get used to that. I'd still like to hear stuff like, 'You look beautiful!' more often, but I know he makes an effort to show me love that way. Has Coach read the love languages book? I know it seems girly, but I think it's so much easier for guys to understand. I think David got a lot out of it!

  3. Hahahaha. He's the toucher, and I cringe away from that. He wants to cuddle and hold hands and touch at all times, and I'm like "back off, babe." I've learned not to start twitching when he starts rubbing my hand, but he's also learned that I like the doing more than the touching. Like when he does laundry, or when he opens my door, or when he picks out a movie I want to see.

  4. oh man, we definitely speak different love languages and there has been a learning curve in dealing with them especially given our own individual family baggage. for instance mike like to poke me, play the drums on me, grab my butt and boobs all of the time. from my point of view all i can see these thing to mean are "pay attention to me, pay attention to me, im being annoying so you"ll pay attention to me." it has taken a lot of work to see that for him, he's not just asking for attention he's saying - "hey I like you, your fun, i wanna play with you" but it's so hard to see it that way all the time. i find myself apologizing for asking him to stop buggin me more often than not...in my brain i know it's all just love (first grade hair pulling love, but hey i chose him!) but my emotional reaction is still ingrained in me that you need me to pay you attention and sometimes i need to pay attention to myself and just be left alone.

  5. This post is fantastic and exactly what I needed to hear! I've been upset all day because I don't get many compliments from my BF, but your post made me stop and think about all the other ways he shows me he loves me. Thank you for such a great post!

  6. Emily-Glad I could help! Have you read the 5 Love Languages book, by Gary Chapman? It really helped me be more open minded about how Coach shows me he loved me.


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